On Dublin Street Page 16

  What? Oh my God… I relaxed as I realized what conclusion he’d drawn. “No.” I reached up and soothed a hand across his cheek, hoping it would erase that look in his eyes. “Braden, no. I don’t want to talk about it, okay,” I explained gently. “But no one hurt me. I was wild. And then I stopped being wild. However, I wasn’t lying last night. I’ve been checked and I’m clean. And anyway, I’m sure you’ve been with a lot more women than I’ve been with guys, and I’m not judging you.”

  “I’m not judging you, Jocelyn.”

  “Oh you were so judging me.”

  “I wasn’t.”

  “You were.”

  He sat up, his arm banding around my waist to drag me up with him, and then his other arm came around my waist so I was smooshed up against his hot, naked chest. My palms fluttered uneasily onto his pecs, my eyes wide as he stared down at me with this intense look in his eyes. “I don’t like to share,” he murmured.

  He’d said that before. Something twisted in my chest, a mixture of exaltation and unease. “Braden, I’m not yours.”

  His arms tightened. “For the next three months you are. I mean it, Jocelyn. No one else touches you.”

  My body completely ignored my mind as it screamed ‘run, run, run!’, and I felt my breasts swell, and my nipples harden at that growl of warning. “You’re being an ass,” I told him hoarsely, my eyes betraying me as they dipped to his mouth.

  “I wasn’t judging you,” he continued as though I hadn’t said anything, skimming soft, teasing kisses along my jaw to my ear, where his voice rumbled sexily, “In public, you’re Joss Butler. Cool, self-possessed. In bed, you’re Jocelyn Butler—you’re hot, babe. Uncontrolled. Needy. Sweet,” he breathed. “I like that I know that. I don’t like the fact that other men do too.”

  Maybe I was just so turned on I forgot who we were and what this was supposed to be, but I found myself in an unusual moment of honesty. I leaned down and kissed his throat, loving the way he arched his neck to let me. My hand slid up his chest, across his shoulder and curled around his neck. I nipped and licked and kissed my way back up to his mouth, and then I pulled back, so ready to have him inside me it wasn’t funny. “They were boys, not men. And just so you know… they never got what you got last night from me. They never got it because they never gave me what you gave me. Not even close.” I brushed my lips across his, and glanced up to meet his eyes, smirking at him. “There. That’s a little more air you can blow into your ego.” My grip tightened around his neck. “But it is the truth.”

  I waited for him to say something, anything. Instead the color in his eyes grew dark with desire and I was crushed to him. His lips demanded I open my mouth and I did, allowing the deep, possessive kiss, trying to steal breath from him since he held me so tightly that mine was gone. In less than a minute I was under him. In less than another minute I was naked, and in less than another he was moving inside me and proving once again that sometimes I really could be needy and sweet.

  ***

  I strolled into the bedroom, dressed in the tank and shorts again, and I watched as Braden buttoned up his shirt. He grinned at me over his shoulder. “Making sure I’m really going?”

  I shrugged, feeling a lot more relaxed now that he’d given me two spectacular orgasms. “We’ll play this by ear.”

  His grin deepened. “This is going to be easy if all it takes is sex to change your mind.”

  I gave him an exasperated look. “Braden. I’m serious. We’ll play this by ear, and while we’re sleeping with each other, we agree not to be sleeping with other people. But we also agree, no pressing each other for answers to questions we don’t want to answer.”

  After a while of just gazing at me, Braden finally nodded. “Agreed.”

  “Okay. Agreed.”

  “I better get back to my flat, shower, change.” He pressed a quick kiss to my lips, his hand coming to rest on my waist. “I’ll see you tonight.”

  I frowned. “No. I’m working tonight.”

  “Yeah. Adam, Ellie and I will stop by.”

  “No, you won’t.” I shook my head. Not after last time. And truthfully I needed some space from him.

  Braden’s brow furrowed. “Why not?”

  “I’ll be working. No distractions.”

  “You working with Craig?”

  I grimaced. “Yes.”

  His grip on my waist tightened. “He kisses you and-”

  “You’ll knock his teeth out.” I nodded, rolling my eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I already got the macho Scotsman memo. Nothing will happen. I promise. But you’re not coming tonight.”

  “Fine.” He shrugged in overly casual agreement. “Then I’ll be here when you get back.”

  Okay, I almost nodded my agreement before my brain went, wait! No! No, no, no! “No!” I replied a little more loudly than I meant to.

  Braden did not look amused. “Not even twenty four hours in and this arrangement is already exhausting the fuck out of me.”

  “Well you’ve given me four orgasms. That oughta take it out of a guy.” I grinned saucily.

  My deflection didn’t work. “I’ll be here, tonight.”

  “Braden, seriously don’t. This is all really new. I need some space.”

  “Babe.” He leaned down and pressed a tender kiss to my forehead and I relaxed. See, he could be agreeable and willing to compromise sometimes. “We’ve only got three months. There’s no time for space.”

  Or not.

  “I’ll be tired after my shift.”

  “Not in the morning, you won’t be.”

  “Then come over in the morning.”

  With a weary sigh, Braden nodded. “Fine.” He pulled me to him, lifting me off my feet so he could give me a searing, wet kiss he knew I wouldn’t forget in a hurry. And once he’d settled me back on my dazed feet, he left the apartment without even a goodbye.

  ***

  “Do you think I’m nuts?” I made a face, bracing myself for Dr. Pritchard’s answer.

  “Because you’ve agreed to make yourself sexually available to Braden?”

  “Yeah…”

  “Joss, you’re a grown woman. These decisions are yours to make. Do you think you’re nuts?” She smiled softly as she asked.

  I laughed humorlessly, as I thought about Braden and everything he made me feel. “I think it’s the best way to deal with the attraction between us. This way it doesn’t become a huge mess that concludes with me having to move out. Neither of us wants a relationship. We’re both consenting adults. We both know the rules. I would never agree to anything more, so it works out well. We use each other until we get bored. No hard feelings. No mess. No moving.”

  “But you could have just walked away from Dublin Street. Put Braden out of your life for good rather than come to this agreement with him. Why didn’t you?”

  I frowned, thinking that was obvious. “Because of Ellie. She’s my friend.”

  Dr. Pritchard nodded carefully, taking this in. “So you’re willing to explore something with a man who you previously said scared you because of how he made you feel, and you’re willing to do this because of your friendship with his sister?”

  “Yes.”

  “So you’re willing to care about Ellie… but not about Braden?”

  Wait. No. What? “That’s not…” I trailed off, feeling my chest tighten. “Ellie’s a friend. That doesn’t mean anything. I like her. I don’t want to lose her, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

  Dr. Pritchard sighed, for once looking a little irritated. “You know, Joss, this process will go a lot smoother if you stop lying to yourself.”

  I took a deep breath, focusing on opening my lungs up. “Okay.” I nodded. “I care about her. She’s a good friend and a good person.”

  “And yet, you tell yourself all the time that you care about no one. That you will never care enough to get close.”

  “It’s not like she’s my family,” I bit out, desperate to make my point, make her see how I saw things. “It’
s not the same thing.”

  She cocked her head to the side in the way I hated. “Are you sure about that? I think from everything you’ve told me, Ellie treats you like family.”

  “You’re twisting what I said.” I shook my head, feeling that familiar headache. “I care about people. I never said I didn’t. I care about Rhian and James, and yeah I care about Ellie.”

  “So why won’t you let yourself care about Braden?”

  I looked at my feet. “It’s just sex,” I muttered.

  “But there’s no guarantee that’s true, Joss,” Dr. Pritchard answered quietly. “No one can predict how you’ll feel about Braden by the time the three months are up. Or how he’ll feel about you. And considering you’ve told me that your feelings for Braden scare you, I suggest you think on that carefully.”

  “The way I felt for him sexually scared me. It’s intense. But I can deal with it. It’s just sex,” I repeated stubbornly, and somewhere deep down, buried under all my steel, there was a voice telling me I was willingly sticking my head in the sand.

  ***

  “So, is it true you’re banging Braden Carmichael?” Jo asked loudly as I poured my customer a pint of Tenants.

  The customer caught my answering glower and grinned sympathetically as he took his drink. “Why don’t you say that a little louder, Jo? I don’t think the people in the back heard you.”

  “Alistair caught them.” Craig waggled his brows suggestively as he reached past me for a bottle of Bailey’s. “Said he was practically in your knickers.”

  Alistair had a big mouth.

  I shrugged indifferently at the two of them and took my next customer’s order.

  “Oh come on,” Jo complained. “I had my eye on him. I want to know if he’s off the market.”

  Ignoring the flash of anger I felt at that, I shot her a cold smile. “You can have him when I’m done.”

  Jo’s mouth fell open. “So it’s true? You’re sleeping with him?”

  Apparently so, although the sleeping thing hadn’t originally been part of the deal. The son-of-a-bitch had snuck that in. I raised an eyebrow at my colleague, refusing to get into the details.

  Her face fell. “You’re not going to dish the dirt?”

  I shook my head and leaned over the bar to take another order.

  “Kin ah hae a mahjito, Jack in Coke, a boatil eh Millers… aw aye in eh Stace wahnted a Cosmo. Dae ye dae Cosmos?”

  Luckily, working in a bar for four years in Scotland had given me plenty of practice in understanding not only the thicker accents, but the drunk, thicker accents.

  In translation: Can I have a mojito, Jack and Coke, a bottle of Millers… oh yes and uh Stace wanted a Cosmo. Do you do Cosmos?

  I nodded and reached down to the fridge for the Millers.

  “Is he good?” Jo was suddenly in my face again.

  I sighed wearily and brushed past her to start making the Cosmo.

  “Is it exclusive?” Craig called down the bar. “Or can we still shag?”

  “What do you mean still?” I scoffed.

  “Is that a no?”

  “That’s a hell no.”

  “Oh come on, Joss,” Jo begged. “I’ve heard he’s an ‘effin stallion in the sack, but that’s second hand gossip. Give me first hand.”

  “Tell you what,” I mused, “Why don’t I give you first finger?” I flipped her off. Yeah, I know, not the most eloquent or mature response but she was really starting to bug me.

  Jo scowled. “You’re no bloody fun.”

  “Guess I’m not.”

  The atmosphere at the bar was nowhere near as warm and electric as it had been last weekend. Jo was pouting, Craig didn’t seem to know how to act around moody me, and I was, well, moody, because I was stuck inside my own head.

  I couldn’t get the memories of last night and this morning out of my mind, and if I was honest with myself, I was irritated and uneasy at the fact that I was actually looking forward to seeing Braden tomorrow. I was trying to worry less about my decision to get into this arrangement with him. I wanted to just enjoy myself. It was just taking me time to relax into it.

  It helped that Ellie was cool about the whole thing. I guess I didn’t know what to expect from her, but I thought there would be more disapproval than there was.

  She’d walked into the apartment earlier that day to find me at my laptop. I’d discussed my idea to write a contemporary novel based loosely on my mom and dad with Dr. Pritchard and she thought it was a good idea. Therapeutic even. However, I’d yet to start it—fear gripping me tight every time I’d laid my fingers against the keys to begin. Writing it would mean opening up all the memories, and I didn’t know if I could handle the inevitable panic attacks. The good doctor said the idea was to get to a point where the memories no longer caused a panic attack, and she thought the writing might be a nice way to ease me into that.

  After Braden left, I’d managed to write the first page. I was staring at that incredulously, astonished that I’d actually put words down, when Ellie got home and immediately stopped by my bedroom.

  She grinned knowingly at me as I turned in my seat to greet her. “So… how are you?”

  I wasn’t one to get easily embarrassed, but I have to admit it was a little awkward to know Ellie knew I had had sex with her brother. I made a face. “Is this going to be too weird for you?”

  “You and Braden dating?” She shook her head, her eyes bright. “No way. I think it’s great.”

  Uh oh. I cleared my throat, remembering Braden didn’t want to lie to her. “Actually, Ellie, we’re not really dating. It’s more of a physical thing.”

  Ellie seemed surprised. “You mean like friends with benefits?”

  Actually, I prefer the term fuck buddies. Ellie would never say the word ‘fuck’ though. “Pretty much.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest, her expression curious. “Is that what you want?”

  I nodded. “You know I’m not looking for a relationship.”

  “And Braden?”

  “The whole arrangement was his idea.”

  Ellie rolled her eyes. “Braden and his damn arrangements.” She heaved a sigh of exasperation. “Well, if it’s what you both want then fine. Just as long as it doesn’t affect you and me, I’m cool with it. It’s completely unromantic, but whatever.”

  I smirked at her. “I promise we’ll be fine. So, we’re cool?”

  Her returning smile was adorably lopsided. “We’re cool.”

  To prove that we were cool, we spent the afternoon together, wandering Princes Street, and colliding with little bundles of tourists here and there who stopped repeatedly to take photographs of the majestic Edinburgh Castle. It loomed high on its rock, creating a surreal clash of modern meets medieval… and some chaos, since the tourists taking the photographs didn’t give a crap where they stopped and how many people stumbled into them in their abrupt need to capture the wonder of it. For a few hours, we were in and out of every clothes store in the city center, trying to find a dress for Ellie to wear on her date that night. That’s right. Date. She’d met some guy called Jason in Starbucks and he’d asked her out, and she’d said yes. She said he was cute, but I got the feeling this was more to do with sticking it to Adam.

  Still, I worried a little for her. This was her first date since the Adam fiasco and she seemed really nervous when she left. My anxiety over the whole Braden situation was splashed with a healthy dose of curiosity, wondering how Ellie’s date was going. No wonder I was such a killjoy at work. For the first time in a while, I was desperate for my shift to end so I could go home and overthink in the comfort and quiet of my own home.

  The bar closed at one in the morning. After clean up, I got home around two. When I stepped into the apartment, I saw light from under the sitting room door. It seemed Ellie was still awake. Wanting to make sure she was alright, I pushed the door open quietly and drew to a complete halt.

  The only light lit was the floor lamp at the back of the co
uch, and lying in the peaceful gloom, his body sprawled on the couch, his feet dangling over the edge because of his height, was Braden. His eyes were closed. He looked so young with his lashes fanned across his cheeks, his features slack with relaxation as he slept. It was weird seeing him like that. Usually, I felt the eight year age difference between us. He was more mature, together, responsible, and decisive. But lying there, he could be mistaken for my age. He was way less intimidating like this and I liked it. A lot.

  Open on the table was a black folder, a couple of documents loose from their plastic pockets. Braden’s suit jacket was draped across the armchair, his leather shoes on the floor next to the coffee table, and an empty mug sat near all the paperwork.

  He’d come here to work?

  More than a little bemused, I backed quietly out of the room and closed the door. I’d thought he and Adam would have been out on a Friday night?

  “Hullo.”

  I whirled around to find Ellie standing in the kitchen doorway, still wearing the pretty peach summer dress she’d bought for her date, although she was sans the high-heeled, gold sandals that made her legs go on forever. I followed her into the kitchen and closed the door behind us so our voices wouldn’t travel and wake up Braden. “How was your date?”

  Folding her arms over her chest, Ellie leaned back against the counter with a very displeased expression on her face. Uh oh. “Not good.”

  “Oh God, what happened?”

  “Adam happened.”

  My eyes widened. “Okay. Explain.”

  “Braden called me earlier to tell me he had to work late tonight again, but Adam was free and was wondering if I fancied grabbing something to eat, maybe catch a movie afterwards. I told Braden to tell Adam I had a date with Jason.”

  “Right…?”

  Ellie’s face flushed, her pale eyes sparking angrily. “He called me five times during the date.”